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"Philosophy"
A while ago Dan and I were walking around Canterbury Cathedral. We had seen round the bits we could get to, and we were musing we had thought it was much larger. Just as we were meandering one last time around, Dan saw The Door. It was a big door. With one of those large metal ring pull handles and lots of blackened metal studs. It looked important.
I hadn’t really paid the door much attention, assuming it was locked and just part of the building. Dan however disagreed. He wanted to open The Door. I said not to try, it wouldn’t be allowed, or it would be locked, but he was already at The Door, opening it.
Turns out that was the way into the rest of the grounds, and we spent another half hour having fun exploring. That was the day he and I started going out (well it was early the next morning, but near enough). We started going out in part due to me feeling more comfortable with him after this little date. But what a difference The Door made. Gave us more time together, showed me his spirit and his courage. Maybe things would be different without it.
Two things struck me after this encounter, the first was that I needed to be braver. There had been no “Stay Out on pain of flogging” sign on the door, or even a “Keep Out”, the worst that would’ve happened would have been it was locked. I should try things more, go out of my way a bit more, it opens up a whole host of opportunities.
The other thing I realised was I needed other people to see what I don’t see. For me sometimes it’s my friends spotting someone waving hello (I’m notoriously unobservant), sometimes its a relevant sermon, sometimes its God, throwing messages my way. Whoever it is, noticing whatever it is, I’m better off with people. I need to see through someone else’s eyes, so I can see the unopened door, so I may know what lies behind it.
I’ve just finished watching the film “Wanted”, which, despite being an 18, is a good film. The parting line before the credits is “What the **** have you done recently?” Avoiding the swearing, I thought it an interesting question. What have I done recently?
I have worked towards my degree, filled out forms, tried to help friends, earned money, solved problems and generally done productive stuff. Things that were worthwhile even, so I’m not going to do down the traditional route of, to quote the song, “What have you done today, to make you feel proud?”. I have spent time with friends, I have prayed, I have done things that I hope will last. But I still feel I could’ve done more.
You see, above all recently, I’ve worried. I’ve fretted and been neurotic over all the tiny decisions I’ve had to make. Worrying I sounded too bossy being project manager, or not enough. Worrying about if I checked the right boxes on my tax return. Worrying about whether I’ve outstayed my at welcome places. The thing is, in a months time, will I even remember these decisions? Everything I’ve done, had to be done, that’s part of life, but it doesn’t need to take up so much room in my head.
The Bibles says In Matthew 6 v25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.” So if we aren’t to worry, we should just do the best we can before God, with His spirit and move on. If I spent as much time praying as I did worrying I would have done a lot more recently, and probably a lot more of worth.
That tag line “What the **** have you done recently?” Just made me realise, despite all I’ve achieved, I don’t feel a sense of satisfaction, as I could’ve done better, and more, simply by wasting less time worrying. Yes, I still need to care about other people’s feelings and not hurting them, but I also want to be effective. Neuroticism does not make one effective, or feel effective even if you have been. Time to accept what’s gone and move forward. To do something, not worry about something.
